Tea: Earl Grey with Milk
Music: Antonin Dvorak: Russalka: Song to the Moon
I am planning my wedding for June, and I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. We are paying for it ourselves, and cutting corners on the flowers, and the food, and any number of details. I want the day to be memorable and special, but I fear that people are going to think it’s cheap(my mother-in-law has certainly implied as much). Cupcakes just don’t cut it in her book. Not that she’s helping out in any way of course. Any words of advice?
Engaged in England
Dear Engaged in England,
Has your mother-in-law ever tried a cupcake??? She sounds like she’s a miserable old boot, so I’d ignore anything she has to say and remind you what Jane Austen says about Emma’s wedding to Mr. Knightley.
“The wedding was very much like other weddings, where the parties have no taste for finery or parade; and Mrs. Elton, from the particulars detailed by her husband, thought it all extremely shabby, and very inferior to her own.—”Very little white satin, very few lace veils; a most pitiful business!—Selina would stare when she heard of it.”—But, in spite of these deficiencies, the wishes, the hopes, the confidence, the predictions of the small band of true friends who witnessed the ceremony, were fully answered in the perfect happiness of the union.” Emma by Jane Austen
As wedding season approaches and new brides find themselves overwhelmed by the drama of the details, it is easy to forget that the wedding should be about you, the happy couple, and really that’s about it. Try and remember why you are getting married, and ignore the whinging on the part of cheap and miserable relatives and Mrs. Elton type guests. None of that matters. The people who truly love you and care for you will only be thinking about your future happiness, not gossiping about the satin, lace, or God forbid, cupcakes.
April 27, 2012 1 Comment
Tea: PG Tips with a splash of milk
Music: Handel: Alla Hornpipe, Suite in D Water Music
I’ve gotten engaged to my boyfriend of nearly five years, but after just a few short weeks, I’ve decided I can’t go through with it. How can I end it as nicely as possibly? Do I tell him I’m having doubts now and then later on break the news gently? Or do I tell him right away? I know I will hurt him, and I do care for him, but I also know I’d be miserable if I married him. What should I do?
Distressed in Denver
Dear Distressed in Denver,
If you are certain you want to end your engagement, I advise you to do it right away. Unfortunately, breaking off an engagement is never easy, as Helen tells her sister Margaret in Howard’s End.
“Can you break an engagement off slowly?” Her eyes lit up. ”What’s an engagement made of, do you suppose? I think it’s made of some hard stuff, that may snap. It is different to the other ties of life. They stretch or bend. They admit of degree. They’re different.” Howard’s End by E.M Forster
In Howard’s End, Paul Wilcox and Helen Schlegel enter into a whirlwind engagement that they soon regret. Once they had broken off their engagment, Paul and Helen never felt the same about each other, the spark of attraction disappeared, and an antipathy developed between their two families. As I’m sure you are aware, your old relationship will never be the same. However, as difficult as a broken engagement can be, it is more important to be true to yourself than to remain engaged. If Helen and Paul had remained engaged, she would have been miserable and would not have lived the life she was meant to live. And as messy and dramatic as that life turned out to be, she was far happier being true to herself.
My only advice is that if you are sure you want to end your engagement, you should do it quickly, decisively, and with as much discretion as possible, i.e., try to keep the gossiping to a minimum. In Howard’s End, different family members get the wrong end of the stick as letters are exchanged and gossip spreads. As a sign of respect and affection, you must tell your fiance the news first, and avoid discussing the matter with too many people. As hurt as he will be by your ending the engagement, he will be mortally wounded if he finds out from someone else that you are having doubts. I wish I could give you more comforting words of advice, but just remember, that many women have found themselves in the same unfortunate situation as you, and some very remarkable heroines, and they all survived. And you will too.
February 22, 2012 No Comments
Tea: Green Tea with Lemon
Music: Wilco: Impossible Germany
Quote: Elinor knew that what Marianne and her mother conjectured one moment, they believed the next and that with them, to wish was to hope, and to hope was to expect. She tried to explain the real state of the case to her sister.
“I do not attempt to deny,” said she, “that I think very highly of him, that I greatly esteem, that I like him.”
Marianne here burst forth with indignation,
“Esteem him! Like him! Cold-hearted Elinor! Oh! worse than cold-hearted! Ashamed of being otherwise.” From Sense and Sensibility, by Jane Austen
Or for another, less erudite, perspective,
Never Regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience. Victoria Holt
I’ve been working and living in New York for the past few years and have just been accepted at business school at Stanford. Of course, now that I’m leaving New York, I finally got up the courage to flirt with my office crush, who to my complete surprise likes me back. Well, I’m tempted to date him, even though I’ll only be here for a few more months. What do you think? Is it worth it? Or am I likely to wind up more hurt?
Nervous in New York
Dear Nervous in New York:
I think you should go for it, with the caveat that you need to think more like an Elinor and feel less like a Marianne if you want to avoid getting hurt. By Elinor and Marianne, I am referring to the very different Dashwood sisters in Jane Austen’s Sense and Sensiblity. Elinor handles her romantic troubles with a prudence and practicality that is completely missing in her passionate and dramatic sister. In exploring her feelings for Edward Ferrars, Elinor recognizes the difficulties their union faces and does not allow herself to run away with unrealistic expectations. Marianne, on the other hand, falls passionately in love with the selfish but charming Willoughby and her impetuous choices lead her into a near breakdown when Willoughby’s true colors are revealed.
Marianne calls her sister cold hearted, but I would say she’s really just practical. If you are able to look at the relationship as a pleasant fling, and let go a little bit(never easy for a woman, but it can be done), then you are set. But if you think you might develop deeper feelings, just be aware that long-distance and long-term relationships are never easy and be practical. That being said, you are more likely to regret not taking a chance than holding back. Though not one of the classic writers, I think Gothic Romance novelist, Victoria Holt, says it best, “Never Regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.
And who knows? Maybe it will work out! Edward and Elinor managed to overcome a number of obstacles, jealous ex-lovers, no money, disapproving relations, and find themselves very happy after a number of painful separations. And even if it winds up being a right mess, you are likely to learn from your mistakes. If Marianne had not had her tragic love-affair with the dastardly Willoughby, she might never have learned to appreciate and value the loyal and thoughtful Colonel Brandon with whom she lived happily ever after. Let us know whether passion or prudence wins out!
November 26, 2011 7 Comments
Tea: Peach Tea
Music: Trouble by Cat Stevens
Before you think Polly is too much of a goody two-shoes to have any relevance for us modern day women, I should make you aware that she displays a healthy antagonism towards her arch-nemesis and rival, Trix, and recklessly splurges on a new pair of gloves and bonnet when she shouldn’t. Who could really like a girl who did not say something bitchy once in a while or spend too much on a new dress? And that brings me to my second remedy for the doldrums. If cleaning the house, exercise or charity work does not drag you out of your moping, put on your sexiest dress, curl your hair, and hit the town. Better yet, put on your sexiest dress and volunteer at the nearby convalescent home. Even in a wheelchair, men do notice! Just making a little bit of effort with your appearance will have an effect on not only those around you, but on your own self-esteem. Never underestimate the power of a little lipstick when you need to rescue yourself from the doldrums.
January 22, 2011 No Comments